Story Time

I wanted to share a part of my life that I think is very important to how I got to where I am/ who I am now. Obviously it wasn't JUST this event that made me, and it only formed a part of me, but it was definitely a turning point and something I think of first when I think of how I got to be the confident, independent person I am now.

Before you start reading this just know that most of the kids in my band class are popular, since I know you'd probably assume otherwise. I'd say both of the guys mentioned in this were "popular" or mostly so. And just so you know my social standing in school, I was pretty neutral, I wouldn't say I was popular, but I talked to those kids, and they talked to me without it being weird or anything.

In March of grade 8, I was coming back from a paintballing field trip and my two friends were sitting together on the bus so I was sitting alone, and then this boy sat beside me. (For privacy reasons, I won't use his real name, but let's call him Hans) I kinda knew him, but not very well. He was cute and funny and he laughed at my jokes and that was all it took for me back then, he literally just sat beside me and then I had a crush on him. 

(Also fun fact: the entire bus ride home (like 1.5 hrs) I had to pee REALLY bad and my hair was 100% greasy from paintball.)

At school we only had one class together, which was band and I played the flute and he played the trumpet so we could never really talk cause he was so far away, not that he ever tried to talk to me after that either. For the rest of the year I somehow kept having a crush on him without ever really talking to him. Because I never really had the opportunities to talk to him and because I was an annoying person then, I always tried to message him on Facebook, and looking back on the messages I sent him is so cringe worthy, I'm not at all surprised he didn't like me back.

After Grade 8, there were two different High Schools to go to in my town, and despite the 50% chance of us going to the same school, the odds were not in my favour and he was going to the other school. So all through the summer I hated my life basically, but everyday without fail I prayed to God that he would switch schools. As the summer progressed and my hope kind of dissipated, I started praying that by some miracle we would just happen to be unlikely friends, so even if he didn't go to my school, we would be brought together by something different and become friends. But nonetheless I kept on praying.

I remember this one day, I was distraught and texting my friends (and I had recently messaged him and had not yet received a reply), and no one had texted back for awhile, so I was just stuck with my sadness and the support I thought so desperately needed from my friends was on hold. I remember in that moment I felt so hopeless and empty and had nothing and no one left to go to so I gave in and cried out to God to just help me, to be my friend, to be my balloon to hold onto and have with me; and like a miracle, my friends all texted me back, and even more miraculously, the boy did to (which he practically NEVER did).

After all that praying, he ended up switching to to my school in August, less than a month before school started.

I had dropped band going into high school 'cause nobody liked the flutes 'cause they all sucked, and even though I was the only one that didn't (people told/tell me this, so I'm not completely tooting my own horn) I still hated being related to the general topic of crappy flutes. However my best friend, who didn't switch out of band and played the trumpet (like Hans), convinced me to switch back into band in Grade 9. So basically every band class, I would sit in the trumpet section for the first few minutes of every class to talk to my friend and hopefully get to talk to him. During class, I sat on the other side of the room from him so we'd sometimes have staring contests, and me and my best friend would lip read/speak to each other and he would try to decipher what we said. It was as close as I could get to being his friend. 

Even though there were the odd times when he was nice to me, like complimenting me with my hair curled and asking if I was ok when I got a bloody nose in gym class, he was mostly really mean to me, he knew exactly how to get under my skin, but I took all that crap cause that's the best I got. That's how all grade 9 went, waking up excited to see him, and going to bed feeling like crap cause of what he said.

Then it was grade 10, and I still had a crush on him and he still sucked and I still couldn't get over him, so I prayed to God that he'd fall in love with me or that I would stop having a crush on him so it wouldn't rip me to shreds everyday anymore. This is also when I began journalling everyday.

In my English class that year, there was this guy who was also in my band class (let's call him Kristoff), and he was so funny and he talked to me all the time and he could draw, but I could draw better than him and he secretly knew that and he always had candy and I'm pretty sure he's gonna have diabetes when he's older, but he would always share it with me. This one time I asked this other guy in my English class to get me a laptop from the cart (cause no one had their own back then and we had to use them sometimes), but he didn't hear me or something, so he didn't, but Kristoff heard me and he got it for me. During our poetry unit I wrote a poem about all the flaws I had, and Kristoff picked it up off my desk and read it and I didn't stop him because despite it being a very personal poem, I didn't feel like I had anything to hide, and I think that's where I started to not have any shame about who I am. He told me it was a sad poem and I told him it had a happy ending though (cause it did) and I didn't felt judged or awkward about it or around him afterwards. There's literally so many things he did that were really nice, but this is already a novel so I'll leave them out. 

Anyways, so he was really nice and I realized what a dick Hans was, and that the only reason I picked out my outfits based on what I thought he'd say about it and other stuff like that, was because he bullied me. I didn't have a crush on him, that's only what I thought it was cause I was "blinded by 'love'" or something like that. 

Shortly after coming to this realization, there was a sermon on a Sunday that was about baggage and forgiving people who bring you down, who really should be apologizing to you and asking for your forgiveness, not that other way around. But the Pastor told us to forgive those people and I forgave Hans and I teared up, and I never cry, especially in public places, so tearing up was already a lot. But after I prayed that it was literally like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and just like that, that was the end of my crush on him.

I never had a crush on Kristoff, despite him playing a big part in me getting over Hans, but I love him because of the role he played in making me who I am now.

It's a bit of a sob story, but it has a happy ending so I hope it brightened your day nonethless :)